Beating Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day can get so expensive. Flowers, candy, jewelry, dinner out! Where does it end? But this year, I thought I’d figured the perfect solution. I was working on it in my study when my wife walked in.
“What are you doing?”
I proudly held up the picture of a floral bouquet I’d copied off the Internet. “It’s your valentine’s gift.”
She frowned. “Why did you run a picture off? Afraid you’d forget what the arrangement looked like before you got to the florist?”
“No, silly. This picture . . . I mean this highly detailed rendition of the perfect flower arrangement IS your present.”
Again she frowned.
Hey, don’t get me wrong. I’m no cheapskate! I’ll even take my wife to an occasional movie . . . As long as it’s a matinee . . . And we bring our own drinks . . . And popcorn. Have you seen what they charge for movie theater popcorn? It’s robbery.
“So let me get this straight,” my wife said. “The picture is my gift?”
I nodded. “It shows how much I love you, a lesser man would give real flowers.”
“You’re going to have to explain that one.”
“Ok. Number one- We avoid a potential trip to the emergency room.”
Again she frowned.
Boy she frowns a lot. If she’s not careful, her face is going to get stuck like that.
“Real flowers are a health risk,” I said. For all I know you’re allergic to roses-”
“But I’m not.”
“Are you sure? A lot of people develop allergies as they grow older-”
“Older? Are you saying I’m old?”
There is no correct answer to that question. “Then there’s the thorns. What if you jabbed yourself with a thorn. Then it got infected. For all you know, they may have to amputate a limb or something.” I beamed. “I saved you.”
“My hero,” she said flatly.
I pressed on. “Also a picture lasts longer than the real thing. In a few days those flowers would be dead and withered, dropping their decaying petals all over the floor. Then you’d have to clean them up. Look at the time and energy I’m saving you.”
“How considerate.”
“Why, for a dollar at the dollar store, you could buy a nice frame. That picture could last for eternity. Just like my love for you.”
She raised an eyebrow. “You’re so romantic.”
“So you see, my love, this picture is the perfect gift.” I pressed the paper in her hand. “Happy Valentine’s Day.”
She looked at the picture, then silently left the room.
I was giddy from my victory. I did it! I beat the Greeting Card Mafia. Everyone knows they run the whole valentine scheme. Why, when other husbands find out about my brilliant move, millions will join me on my quest to give pictures of flowers. I’ll be a hero!
I was reveling in this thought when my wife returned. She placed two papers on my desk: one had a picture of a cooked chicken on it. The other, a woman’s lips.
“What’s this?”
“That’s your supper and a thank you kiss for the valentine’s gift.”
She patted the top of my head. “Think about how much longer they’ll last.” She walked out.
Friends, I’d like to type more about this, but I don’t have time. I’ve got to get to the florist before it closes.
Happy Valentine’s Day.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Cellar Dwellers!

It’s the season of zombies, vampires, werewolves, and demented clowns. But do you know what tops them all? What is so frightening it scares the crust off a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Cellar Dwellers.
“What are they,” you ask.
Those wretched humans who’ve taken up residence in the land of the negative. For every event in life, they can only see the tiny black cloud behind the beautiful rainbow.
Frightening. Isn’t it?
Cellar Dwelling is an attitude that drags you down to death. Negative thoughts become the center of your universe. You wake in the morning, thinking of the terrible day you are going to have. You discuss negatives with your friends. That is, while you have friends. Cellar Dwellers tend to suck the life out of friendship. You even dwell on them while watching reruns of I Love Lucy.
Before you know it, you’re sinking further and further without realizing it’s happening.
One day you awaken to the horrible realization-

I have a painful confession to make. I’ve spent time in the lower regions of despair, to the point where I’ve had trouble seeing the light.
But there’s hope! A solution. It’s found in the Bible.
1 Thessalonians 5:16 “Rejoice always.”
Two simple words. Words that I hate. Or at least, I used to hate. Especially when I dwelt in the cellar of my mind.
Lord . . . Really? Rejoice always? With all the terrible stuff going on around me? You’ve got to be kidding!
But you know what? He isn’t. He understands the broken, negative world we live in, and He doesn’t want Christians to get sucked into this abyss.
He also knows that rejoicing is a mental discipline we must develop. Whether we dwell on the positive or the negative is a habit. And so we need to develop the rejoicing habit.
Let’s face it, you don’t have to be reminded to do things you remember to do . . . like breathing. In an ice cream shop, no one has to say to you, “Don’t forget to eat the ice cream.” No. But humans have a tendency to move towards the negative.
We must be reminded, “REJOICE.”
Friends, if you fear you are turning into a dreaded Cellar Dweller, here’s my advice. Set the alarm on you phone. Maybe set it for 9 am, noon, 3 pm, and 7 pm. Or for whatever times you want. When the alarm goes off, think of something to rejoice about. “Thank you, Lord, for an alarm on my cell phone.” “Thank you, Lord, for . . .” You fill in the blank.
Get in the habit. Do this for a week. At first, you might have trouble thinking of things to rejoice about. But maybe that’s because you don’t see the great things around you. Maybe you’ve been sinking into the deep, dark, pit of despair of CELLAR DWELLERS!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!
Break the bad habit. Develop a good one.
Rejoice. God is great, and greatly to be praised!

Posted in Bible Tidbits | 2 Comments

Interruptions- The Truth About Them

You wouldn’t know it by the attitude I exude, but I like order. The first question I ask my wife in the morning is- “WHAT’S FOR SUPPER?”

I can’t help it. I need to plan my day accordingly. I don’t like surprises. I like to know what I’m doing and when I’m doing it.
What bugs me are the interruptions to my schedule. Can’t people get it through their heads that everyone should be like me? There’s a time to eat, a time to sleep, a time to watch tv, and a time to make phone calls. And the time to call me is definitely NOT when I’m watching tv or eating!

So that’s the way I liked to live my life.
But then something slapped me in the back of my head and made me question the very fabric of my universe. While perusing some of the stories of Jesus I came across the following.
-While walking along, Jesus was interrupted by people bringing kids to Him (Luke 18:15-16).
-He was on the way to Jericho when a blind man interrupted Him (Luke 18:38-43).
-He was in a house, talking to a group, when some people broke through the roof, to lower in a sick friend (Luke 5:19).
I could go on and on with stories of the interruptions that happened to Jesus. It seems like He spent a major part of His time dealing with them.
But wait! Jesus was a pretty important guy. He had a schedule to keep. Yet when the insignificant of life got in the way, He listened and responded.
I realized right then and there, I needed to change the way I looked at the world. Maybe interruptions aren’t mere mosquitos attacking my daily existence. Maybe I should view them as-

The Whipped Cream on the Hot Fudge Sundae of Life. Do you
like whipped cream? I DO!!! As a matter of fact I usually ask for extra. I even steal the whipped cream off my wife’s dessert. I’m evil. But whipped cream isn’t an obstacle, blocking your ice cream. It is a joy in itself, adding that extra oomph to my humdrum existence.
Interruptions should be thought of in this way.

The Rat-a-tat-tat at Your Door.
You’ve heard about opportunity knocking, haven’t you? Sometimes
Christians can be so involved in praying for God’s will in their lives, or for asking God to give them a soul-winners heart, they fail to see the opportunity He gives them in daily interruptions. Listen for the knocking. It may be God dropping a wonderful opportunity in your lap.
So friends, next time someone interrupts your daily existence, rejoice! Go with it. Who knows what God has in mind for you.

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Beware False Swans

If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck . . . It may not be a duck.
My wife and I were driving down a back road in New Hampshire, enjoying the scenery. That’s when we saw it–A swan swimming in a small pond.
“Get a picture, get a picture,” I hollered as I pulled to the curb. Sure enough, the graceful, long-necked bird floated on the water as if it didn’t have a care in the world.
So majestic. So beautiful.
Bushes and trees hampered our line of sight so I moved the car forward and back, angling for the best shots, shouting orders to my wife as she clicked pictures with her phone’s camera.
When all was said and done, we drove away, feeling almost reverent that we’d been privy to such a beautiful scene.
About four days later we ventured down the same road. What were the chances we’d spot our swan again? I didn’t think too good, but low and behold, there it was! What good fortune! Almost a God given miracle!
Three days later we drove by again . . . There it was . . . Still the same spot. As a matter of fact . . . it’s head and neck were angled the same exact way.
Hmmm . . . Something is fishy here.
Uh-huh. My powers of observation are so keen, it only took me three sightings to figure this out. Columbo’s got nothing on me.
Well a couple of weeks later (with three more drive-bys) I came to the conclusion that it was a plastic swan. Or to make myself feel like less of a dolt, let’s call it a Simulated Likeness of an Actual Swan. Hey, the more fancy the term the more money you can charge for the product.
I’d been duped. No. It was probably my wife who’d been duped. Yes! That’s it. Now that I look back, I originally pulled over at her bequest. Kind of like how Eve fooled Adam.
I’m sticking with that story!
So, my friends, beware of plastic swans, or even Simulated Likeness of Actual Swans.
It’s a good lesson in many avenues of life. Even in the spiritual. In Matthew 7:15, the Bible says, “Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves.”
This is a problem the church has had since its inception–Plastic Swans, pretending to be the real thing. Or to be more precise, false prophets pretending to be the real thing, leading people astray.
That’s why John gave some sound advice.
1 John 4:1 “Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits, whether they are of God; because many false prophets have gone out into the world.”
Don’t fall into the trap of pulling to the side of the road and snapping pictures of fakes. Test others’ beliefs by the divine Word of God.

Posted in Bible Tidbits | 4 Comments

I’m Having a Heart Attack!

“I’m having a heart attack. Help Me!”

Those words ended it all. Not my life. Just the “discussion”.
I’d taken a part-time, third shift security guard job. This entailed sitting all night, all alone, at the main entry desk to a five story office building, making sure no one broke in.
Frankly, I wasn’t too good at it. I remember one evening a note had been left by building management. “Keep an eye on the parking lot. Someone stole the security camera last night. If you see anything out of the ordinary, please investigate.”

Right. That wasn’t going to happen. Hey, put yourself in my place. Armed only with my questionable good looks, I wasn’t venturing out of the relative safety of the building into a dark and creepy parking lot occupied by who knows what, to investigate something out of the ordinary. Out of the ordinary??? If I see something out of the ordinary, I’ll call the police.

Anyways, back to my heart attack.

It was my very first night on the job. Another guard was there, waiting to train me.
A warning bell rang in my head. The counter he sat behind was lined with literature and pamphlets from a well known cult. You may think that’s an outdated word- Cult. You say, “Who are you to judge someone else’s beliefs? All religions are the same.”
After running through some preliminary instructions, the guard (we’ll call him Bob) turned to me. “Jeremiah. What do you think is the solution to all the unrest in the world today?”
I understood what he was doing, using this leading question to initiate a conversation about spiritual things.

Without blinking an eye, I answered, “The only solution to today’s troubles is Jesus Christ.”
His eyebrow rose slightly. “So you believe in Jesus, but did you know…” He then explained where my Christianity had it all wrong, and his way had it right.
Bob’s beliefs were different than mine. Though mentioning Jesus Christ and grace, his definitions were not biblical. They were a “works oriented” way to heaven.
He went on and on, explaining how his leaders had the right interpretation of scripture, and trying to poke holes in my beliefs.
After two hours of arguing back and forth, it dawned on me- Forget arguing theology. Let’s talk where the rubber meets the road.
I leaned against the counter and clutched my chest. “Bob, I’m having a heart attack. Help me! I’ll be dead in three minutes. If I accept your beliefs can you give me assurance I’ll be in heaven when I die?”
After an awkward moment, he shook his head.
“That,” I said, “is the difference between your religion and my Jesus. I have that wonderful assurance.”
He considered. Did what I say sink in? I don’t know. After that night, I never saw Bob again. Don’t get the wrong impression. He didn’t die or anything. He’d simply left the company.

Do you believe all religions are the same? All roads lead to heaven?
I assure you, you are wrong!
Real Christianity is all about God’s grace. Not works. Which would you rather depend on for your eternity? Your good works or God’s love? I’ll hold on to love every time.

I’ll never know if what I said had any effect on Bob, but I’ll give you the same scenario. Maybe it can make a difference in your life.

I’m having a heart attack. In three minutes I’ll be dead. If I accept your beliefs can you give me assurance I’ll be in heaven when I die?”

Think about it. What do you believe? I urge you to consider the wonderful love and grace of our God. He gave His Son, who died on the cross, taking the guilt and punishment for our sin on Himself! It doesn’t depend on my good works, because I ain’t too good. Frankly, neither are you!
Let me quote just one verse for you. Maybe you’ve heard or seen it before, but take a fresh look at the words.
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.”

God’s love. Not by good works. That’s my blessed assurance.

[I invite you to subscribe to my blog and receive email alerts whenever there’s a new posting. It’s easy to do. The info is at the top right corner of the home page]

Posted in Bible Tidbits | 2 Comments

Love and the Freeway

God is love.

Almost everyone believes this. The question is, what does it mean? Does it mean  humans can do anything they want, live any way they want, and God is okay with it?

“Hey, He’s love! That means He doesn’t judge. He accepts me just as I am.”

Though it is the title of an old hymn, God does not accept me, “Just as I am.” We are ALL sinners. Though He loves us, He does not love our sin. That’s the reason Jesus sacrificed Himself on the cross. He paid the price for our guilt. THAT’S GOD’S LOVE!

Beyond this, yes, God is love. That’s why He sets boundaries for us. Rules. Right and Wrong. We can’t just live life OUR way and figure He’s fine with it.

Imagine this- A six year old child walks up to his parents and says, “Mother, father. Me and my friends are going to play on the freeway. Since you love me, you won’t stop me.” He gives a longing look out the window towards the four lane superhighway where the cars are zipping by at 80 miles per hour. “I was meant to do this,” he says. “I can feel it in my bones. This is who I am. Others play in their backyards and playgrounds. Not me!”

His father pats him on the head as his mother wipes a tear of pride from her eye.

“Yes, sweetheart,” his dad says. “We understand. Since we love you, we won’t stop you. Go ahead. Do what you feel is right.”

The child skips off, happily.

Ten minutes later, his mutilated body is brought back by his friends.

Mom says, “At least he lived his life the way he felt was right.”

Absurd, isn’t it? If a child wants to play in the freeway, mom and dad say, “NO!” If he persists, they punish him, lock him in his room; anything to stop him from making such a crazy mistake.

Don’t they love him? Yes! That’s why they put restrictions on him. They know better. No matter how much the child thinks he knows, they know better. No matter how right it feels, they know better. They are the adults. Kids don’t have their brains screwed in all the way yet. That’s why God gave them mom and dad.

Guess what? We don’t have our brains screwed in all the way, either. And many people, because of their upbringing, because of their environment, have a warped view of right and wrong. That’s where God comes in. Since he loves us, He sets rules. Not only does he love us, he created us, HE KNOWS BEST!

God loves us. 

Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.”

Please note that one part of the verse- “lean not on your own understanding.” Our understanding is limited, clouded, maybe even warped. You can’t always depend on it. You need God’s guidance.

Yes! God is love. But because He loves, He has told us how to live. If we follow Him, we find ultimate happiness. If we set our own rules, we’re in for a world of hurt.

Please feel free to share this blog with your friends. Also, if you’d like to subscribe to this blog, you’ll receive an email when new postings are made.

Posted in Bible Tidbits | 4 Comments

Second Chances

Are you angry with anyone? Holding a grudge?

Wow! That’s so human of you. One thing I can say for sure, It’s definitely not divine. That’s the great thing about God. He’s not in the grudge business. He gives second chances. As a matter of fact, He gives third and fourth chances, too! One of my favorite Bible stories is Jonah. If you don’t know it and don’t have a Bible handy for a quick read, let me share the short version.

-God called Jonah to preach repentance to Nineveh, a wicked city. 

-Jonah didn’t want to go, and ran away (by ship). 

-God sent a storm. 

-Jonah got thrown overboard and swallowed by a big fish.

-He repented. 

-The fish spit him out. 

-He preached at Nineveh. 

-They repented of their sin.

-Jonah got mad that God didn’t destroy Nineveh.

-He sat outside the city, and waited for God to change His mind and do the “right” thing (which meant bringing destruction on the city).

Let’s stop right there for a second, because these few lines contain our BIG lesson!

God Gives Second Chances

He gave Jonah a second chance. When Jonah ran away, the storm and fish were God’s call back. What? Being thrown overboard during a storm and swallowed by a fish is a second chance??? Sure! Have you ever considered God disciplines you for your own good; a chance to turn back and repent? God disciplines those He loves. He’s saying, “No, that’s wrong. Turn back to me.”

Also, God gave Nineveh a second chance. He sent Jonah to preach repentance and the people listened.

You know what? God even gave Jonah a third chance. When the silly prophet sat outside the city, waiting for destruction to come, God caused a vine to grow over him, to offer him shade. Jonah liked this. Then God sent a bug to eat the vine, and Jonah was left in the sun, angry.

Here’s what the Bible says happened next.

Jonah 4:9-11. Then God said to Jonah, “Is it right for you to be angry about the plant?”          And he said, “It is right for me to be angry, even to death!”    But the Lord said, “You have had pity on the plant for which you have not labored, nor made it grow, which came up in a night and perished in a night. And should I not pity Nineveh, that great city, in which are more than one hundred and twenty thousand persons who cannot discern between their right hand and their left—and much livestock?”

Boy, Jonah was a whiner! Yet God tried to explain why He gives second and third and fourth chances. To paraphrase what God said-  “I created these people. I love them. These people are lost. Shouldn’t I have pity on them and call them back?”

The Christian’s God does not change. He still offers second chances. Your sin (wrong doing) causes a rift between you and Him. God is always calling you back. He is always willing to forgive.

So, how about it? Is there some sin separating you from God? He is a God of second chances, a God of forgiveness! Turn to Him.

1 John 1:9 “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”


Posted in Bible Tidbits | 5 Comments

Things I Hate! Really! I’m Not Making This Up!

Lots of hate flying around today. Dems and Reps calling each other nasty names. People refusing to go to the inauguration. It all seems a little crazy to me.

I have to admit, during the election cycle, I got swept up in the political war; might have said things that some would consider nasty.

You know what amazes me? I was chastised during that time for my somewhat less than Christian attitude. Yet some of those chastisers are still caught in the battle, making nasty comments and posts. I guess it’s all right for them, because they’re from the other side.
Probably think their rants, putdowns and less than stellar language is all right… maybe even ordained by God.

But wait! This is not meant to be a political post.

Since the term hate and hater are bantered about so much, I thought I’d mention some things I truly hate.

My Hate List

  1. I hate liver! The very thought of it, sitting on my dinner plate makes me quiver! Now that I think about it, my hatred might border more on fear. Imagine a horror movie- THE LIVER THAT ATE NEW YORK CITY! A big blob of liver oozing down the street, sucking up everything it touches.

2. I hate when someone sits right behind me at the movies. IT ALWAYS HAPPENS! My wife and I will take our seats in an almost empty theater. I eyeball the door and check the time. She knows what I’m doing, hoping no one else is coming. It never fails, though. A couple will appear. My reaction-I’ll try to make myself look half crazed (Maybe drool a bit), throw my arms over the backs of the seats, maybe growl, hoping they’ll avoid my area. BUT NO! They choose the seat right behind me . . . I hate that.

3. I hate when a waitress is too talkative. My wife says it’s my fault, I’m too friendly. Maybe I am. But sometimes you get a waitress who won’t shut up. I’ve heard stories of their surgeries (things I never want to hear again), had baby pictures pulled out, childhood memories brought up. I think waitresses should be fitted with shock collars. If they stay in one spot too long, ZAP! They know it’s time to move on.

4. I hate when my socks are pulled too tight around the tops of my toes. They get claustrophobic. Don’t you hate that?

5. Speaking of toes, I hate stubbing my little toe. I’m cringing, thinking about it.

6. I hate the dark. Walking around in it is when I usually stub my little toe.

7. I hate when my wife and I fight over which one of us is right. The answer is obvious, isn’t it?

8. I hate eating wood chips covered in chocolate. . . It’s a long story. Don’t go there.

9. I hate when people pronounce the word HEIGHT as if it ends in a “th” instead of an “ht”! Get with the program people! It’s height as in bite; not height as in . . .  I can’t think of another word that ends in a th that would rhyme well. So just don’t do it. OK?

10. I hate when people call you a hater simply because you disagree with them. That’s one of the main problems in our country today. We seek diversity of opinions as long as it doesn’t diversify too far from . . . NEVER MIND. I don’t want to get caught up in that conversation, because it borders on the political.

Well, that’s it. A list of ten things I hate. How about you? What do you hate?

Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments

Turning the World Upside Down

Many people are weeping over this presidential election. “O woe is me! Our world is doomed!”
Okay, so maybe I’ve moaned a tad, myself. But, you gotta understand, my candidate is a very flawed human being?
Will you say that? Frankly, if you won’t, you’re fooling yourself. If you believe your candidate is above reproach, and that the other guy’s candidate is the incarnation of evil, you are living in a fantasy world. You’ve given yourself a “Political Party Lobotomy”, and are walking DownloadedFilearound like a Zombie (with a little drool dripping from the corner of your mouth), saying, “My candidate is wonderful!”

Frankly, what kind of people did you expect would run for office? Our society is down the toilet, we are producing more and more gutter trash, therefore the quality of candidates has plunged to new and as of recently unseen depths.
America has gotten the products of what we have become.

What’s a Christian to do? Listen to what was said of the followers of Christ just a few years after Jesus’ ascension.
“These who have turned the world upside down have come here too.” (Acts 17:6)
The early church made such a difference in their society that they were world changers!
Have you been turning your world upside down for Jesus?
Christians (churches, you, me) must work to transform society. That is not done by legislation. NO! It’s done by living for Christ in such a way that others will want what we have. Then Jesus can transform the individual.
img_1379Jesus said, “You are the light of the world.” (Matt. 5:14)
Frankly, the light in America is kind of low. The church has become too much like the world. It’s almost as if we want to be twin brothers to the trash. Here’s a couple of things to consider.
1. Our Light Shines in the Manner We Choose to Live. Are you living a Godly life, reflecting the Holy Spirit? Does the way you spend your time emulate God or the world?
Imagine if Christians would take to heart the fact that they are representatives of the kingdom of God. Would that change the way they live?
2. Our Light Shines to Attract Others to Jesus. The Christian church has not grown in the United States in a number of years. I don’t want to be a downer, but Christians are failing at evangelism.
Imagine what the change in our society would be if each Christian would bring one person to Jesus in the next four year. That’s all. One. Wow! Would the next election be different. It would help to transform our society.
I always hear people grumbling about the country going down the tubes. But it didn’t get there by itself. We kind of pushed it.
If you are a Christian in name only, stop moaning about a wicked society. It’s time for you to turn to God and ask His forgiveness for your failings, rededicate your life to His task and purpose. God’s given you the answer to all life’s problems. Be a part of the solution. Be a part of the exciting task of turning the world upside down!
Mark 16:15 And He said to them, “Go into all the world and preach the gospel to every creature.”

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

It’s All About the Potpourri

image      The other day while I was in a local coffee shop, my friend Henry came running up to me, all excited. “I figured it out!”
“What?” I asked.
He slid into the seat across from me, sipping on some frilly coffee and whipped cream concoction. I personally don’t touch the stuff and can’t tell a frappe from a pile of guacamole.
Wide-eyed, he exclaimed, “All this bathroom fuss.”
“Bathroom fuss?”
“You know! Who uses girls’ and who uses guys’ room.”
I groaned. Frankly, if we went back to using outhouses all of this would be dealt with.
He smiled and sat back. “I wondered why in the world would a guy want to use the ladies’ room?’ The only way to determine the truth was to check it out.”
“Er . . . check it out?”
He nodded. “The ladies’ room. I tried it.”
“At the —–”
[For legal reasons and fear of getting my friend in trouble, the store’s name has been omitted. Kind of like, “The names have been changed to protect. . .”]
“You went in the lady’s room at —-?”
“Sure! Hey, I’m not a ‘perv’ or anything. I waited until it was empty, then I crept in.”
He had my attention. “What did you find?”
Henry leaned forward and spoke, almost awestruck. “It’s a whole new world . . . They got potpourri!”
“Right there by the sink. And guess what? The floor around the toilet was clean.”
[For those of the female persuasion, this is a big deal. Some men are . . . target-challenged. And, YES!, it is disgusting.]
I dismissed him with a shake of my head. “I don’t think one bathroom with potpourri –”
“No wait! I did my research.” He pulled out a small notebook and flipped though the pages. “I checked out fifteen bathrooms in all.”
My mouth dropped open.
“I found ten with potpourri, twelve with fancy air freshener, six with actual flowers, and . . . get this!” – he paused for effect. “Four of them had couches and magazines!”
This last revelation actually took me by surprise. “What?”
“Mind you, the magazines were out of date, but at least they had them. We don’t have those things in the guys’ room. The closest is newspaper pages over the urinals.”
“Why do they need couches?”
He shrugged. “For meetings, I guess.”
“Meetings? What kind of meetings?”
“Beats me. I tell you what, I can see why some guys want to use the ladies’ room.”
“Sure, but what about the ladies that want to use the mens’ room.”
He didn’t even hesitate. It was as if he’d already thought about this. “They’re stupid!”
“They gotta be. Have they ever seen the inside of Guys’ rooms? They got no potpourri. No couches!”
I had to admit he was right.
“So I’ve come to a decision. I’m gonna start using the ladies’ room.”
“You can’t do that.”
“Why not? I’ll become trans-whatever it is.”
“I don’t think it’s that easy.”
“Sure it it. Look at that white lady who told everyone she’s an African-American. Or that other one who says she’s Native American. People fall for that stuff all the time.”
“But you’re not talking the same thing.”
He ignored me and waved a finger in the air. “I got it! I could be trans-alien! You know, say that on the inside I feel like I’m from Mars.”image
Hmmm. This idea intrigued me. “You certainly act like you’re from another planet.”
“Thank you!” His face brightened. “Do you think I could get my own private alien bathroom.”
“I don’t know if–”
“I’d only accept it if it had potpourri.” With a sly smile, he gave a nod. “All the bathrooms on Mars have potpourri.”
“Henry, my friend. The way things are today, I’m sure some people will protest on your behalf . . . Some politicians will fight for your rights to have a trans-alien bathroom.”
Henry straightened up. He had a far away look on his face, a confident smile on his lips. “Trans-alien. Yes! Potpourri here I come.”

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment