How to Become a World Famous Author- NOT!

IMG_0699How to Become a World Famous Author has been the subject of my recent posts. But today’s topic is . . . .

How NOT to Become a World Famous Author.  

Good Example- my friend Moe, from Maine.    His book, How to Dress a Moose in Under Fifteen Minutes, bombed. As a matter of fact, PETA hated it. Of course, Moe thought people were saying “Peter”, not “PETA”, and assumed we were talking about his cousin. He couldn’t figure out why he kept sending him hate mail.
PETA was confused, too. They thought the book was about Field Dressing a Moose, which means . . . well you can look that up, if you’d like.
But no, Moe’s book was about dressing a moose . . . Literally! Hey, I never judged him; never wondered what went on, deep in the woods of Maine. One day, when I went to visit, he was struggling to get a dicky on his pet moose, George, who gave me a look of despair that said, “Please, help me!” Though, I have to admit, once dressed, George looked rather dapper.IMG_0713
But, I digress. Moe came up with what he thought was a great way to promote his book. He would purchase some stuffed moose (the toy kind, not the actual thing), dress them up, and drop them from an airplane. His cousin Zeb, a pilot during the war, had a plane. Which war? Moe couldn’t remember. For that matter, neither could Zeb.
There’d been a mishap with a herd of cows, a duck, and a barn door, and Zeb’s pilot’s license had been revoked. That didn’t seem to bother this duo. Moe figured, one quick trip up, drop the parachute-wearing mooses, and everyone would be talking about his book. It was a sure winner.

The day came. Moe had three hundred Moose, dressed in a variety of outfits from tutus to tuxes, stuffed in the small aircraft. They took off!

Of course, Moe never considered where the moose would land. About sixty got hung up in the trees, looking like a scene from a horror flick- Death Antlers from the Sky. Five hit the windshield of an 18 wheeler on I-95, causing the driver to swerve into a gaggle of irate geese.
Many were lost in the woods, maybe picked up by wolves or real moose, with confused looks on their faces. “What the heck are these?”
A dozen descended on an old folks home. The residents, including some war vets, were out in the yard, enjoying the sunny day. Seeing the descending parachutes, they thought the huns were attacking, grabbed up canes as rifles and bedpans as grenades. Needless to say, it was messy.
But perhaps the greatest story that came out of this, the one that will live in dressed-moose infamy, was the story of Maddy Grey.
More tomorrow. 

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