Ramblings and Reflections

Friends, this is part two. Please read, “How to Become a World Famous Author, NOT”, before proceeding or this will make no sense at all. Not that it makes much sense anyways.

Maddy was a beautiful woman. Ringlets of blond hair framed her perfect face. Her sky-blue eyes made even Raoul the florist’s knees go weak. However, as for intelligence, she was a couple bells short of Quasimodo.
She decided her best bet for happiness was to marry a rich, older man.
Hiram Grey was the opposite of Maddy. Intelligent, but ugly. Beady eyed, uneven lipped. But his most prominent feature was his nose. It was so big, he’d suck all the air out a small room, and others would faint due to a lack of oxygen.
That didn’t stop the 21 year old Maddy from marrying him. It wasn’t long before an awful truth set in. Hiram was a tightwad, and Maddy was forced to live on less money than she’d have made cleaning toilets.
Her only hope was for him to kick the bucket, which according to her, should have been any day. “After all,” she thought. “he’s as old as dirt . . . 65, to be exact.”

Er. . . Did I mention Maddy wasn’t the brightest?

On top of that, people said Hiram suffered from some dreaded disease- Hypochondria. Surely this would claim his life, and let her inherit the millions.

But no. Years passed.

In her anguish, Maddy turned to two men for comfort- Ben and Jerry. A pint of ice cream every night helped ease her pain. Before long, her inflating figure gave new meaning to the term, Chunky Monkey.

“Why won’t he just die!” There were plenty of near misses; times when bouts with his disease brought the ambulance to their house. As a matter of fact, it came so often, the EMTs wanted to set up a substation there.
Thirty years went by. Over two thousand trips to the hospital. NOTHING! Hiram clung to life.
Then came the one time Maddy refused to call the ambulance. “You’re not choking. It’s all in your head.”

Alas, it wasn’t. Hiram finally succumbed to a lump of potato, stuck in his throat.

The mourners gathered at a cemetery, set on such a steep hill that the undertaker had to put extra supports on one end of the casket to keep it in place.
Everyone glared at Maddy. She knew what they were all thinking; that she’d killed him!
Poor girl. After all, all she did was marry for money and wish her husband dead. Was that so bad? . . . Let’s not answer that.
Maddy stood there, chewing on her pudgy bottom lip. “I have to do something to show I loved the old coot.” In a desperate move, she threw her 300 pound girth on the casket, pressed her head against it, and sobbed uncontrollably. “O Hiram. Why did you die so young?”
Young? Ha! He was 95.
Something thudded against the cheap pine box. The other mourners gasped. Maddy looked up. If she’d been in her right mind, she’d have simply seen a silly looking stuffed moose, dressed in a cowboy outfit.

But no, looking square into the beast’s snout, she saw Hiram, come back from the dead. She screeched and fell forward, slamming into the support holding the casket in place. It snapped and she slid into the grave.

Maddy looked up in time to see the casket roll away. It raced down the hill. The moose’s foot was stuck in a hinge. It rode atop the box, its parachute fluttering like superman’s cape in the breeze. Winding through the gravestones, it proceeded out of the cemetery, leaped over an embankment and landed on a passing freight train, headed for Canada. Hiram (and the moose) were never seen again.

Moe and Zeb had a bird’s eye view of this spectacle from the airplane. They too headed for Canada, also never to be seen again. However, evidence of Moe’s existence kept popping up.

A well dressed Caribou would stroll out of the woods every now and then.

If you’d like to meet some local authors, and discuss dressing moose, join us on November 1st for the “Meet & Greet Local Christian Authors”. To find out more, go to http://www.EventBrite.com and enter “Meet & Greet Local Christian Authors” in the SEARCH box. If you prefer to speak with someone, call Clarice James 603-578-1860 or email her at meetgreetchristianauthors@gmail.com.

How to Become a World Famous Author has been the subject of my recent posts. But today’s topic is . . . .

How NOT to Become a World Famous Author.  

Good Example- my friend Moe, from Maine.    His book, How to Dress a Moose in Under Fifteen Minutes, bombed. As a matter of fact, PETA hated it. Of course, Moe thought people were saying “Peter”, not “PETA”, and assumed we were talking about his cousin. He couldn’t figure out why he kept sending him hate mail.
PETA was confused, too. They thought the book was about Field Dressing a Moose, which means . . . well you can look that up, if you’d like.
But no, Moe’s book was about dressing a moose . . . Literally! Hey, I never judged him; never wondered what went on, deep in the woods of Maine. One day, when I went to visit, he was struggling to get a dicky on his pet moose, George, who gave me a look of despair that said, “Please, help me!” Though, I have to admit, once dressed, George looked rather dapper.
But, I digress. Moe came up with what he thought was a great way to promote his book. He would purchase some stuffed moose (the toy kind, not the actual thing), dress them up, and drop them from an airplane. His cousin Zeb, a pilot during the war, had a plane. Which war? Moe couldn’t remember. For that matter, neither could Zeb.
There’d been a mishap with a herd of cows, a duck, and a barn door, and Zeb’s pilot’s license had been revoked. That didn’t seem to bother this duo. Moe figured, one quick trip up, drop the parachute-wearing mooses, and everyone would be talking about his book. It was a sure winner.

The day came. Moe had three hundred Moose, dressed in a variety of outfits from tutus to tuxes, stuffed in the small aircraft. They took off!

Of course, Moe never considered where the moose would land. About sixty got hung up in the trees, looking like a scene from a horror flick- Death Antlers from the Sky. Five hit the windshield of an 18 wheeler on I-95, causing the driver to swerve into a gaggle of irate geese.
Many were lost in the woods, maybe picked up by wolves or real moose, with confused looks on their faces. “What the heck are these?”
A dozen descended on an old folks home. The residents, including some war vets, were out in the yard, enjoying the sunny day. Seeing the descending parachutes, they thought the huns were attacking, grabbed up canes as rifles and bedpans as grenades. Needless to say, it was messy.
But perhaps the greatest story that came out of this, the one that will live in dressed-moose infamy, was the story of Maddy Grey.
More tomorrow. 

Scientists at Upper Massachusetts University researched the following hypothesis: “Mice will follow the crowd?” Several alpha mice (the cool ones) were fed a diet of mud, and taught to exclaim with their Mickey-like voices, “Wow, this is good!” By the end of the week, all the other mice were ignoring their regular food and munching on mud pies, squealing, “We’re cool! We’re cool!”
Lesson learned – People will follow the crowd.
That leads us to our next sure fire way to become a world famous author.
The Papparazzi Principle.
It’s simple. Get a bunch of your friends to stage mock events. When people see the crowd, they’ll join in.
For example, let’s use the venue of a bookstore. Your friends enter the store in a casual manner, not all at once. We don’t want the manager to have a heart attack. “Oh look! Thirty customers! My dying business is saved.”
No, they meander in.
At the assigned time, you make your entrance and your friends go into action.
“Hey! Isn’t that the world famous author, (Insert your name here)?”
“By George, I think it is!”
“His book is better than pepperoni pizza!”
They mob you, demanding autographs. Just by chance (wink, wink), you happen to have a few copies of your book with you. If your friends are fast thinkers, they could set up a table, complete with a life size cutout of you. An impromptu book signing! Others will see it and ask, “What’s going on?” Unsuspecting people, like the mice with the mud pies, will flock to your table.
Who knows where this will lead. As a matter of fact, my friend Larry found true love using this method.
His book, Making the Right Connections, was a big hit with the women. For some reason, they all assumed it was about romance and dating.
What was it really about? Plumbing. Chapters entitled, “Don’t Flush Before Your Time” and “Going with the Flow” should have been dead giveaways. Oh well. Before he knew it, Larry married one of his groupies, a beautiful model. They were together for five years before she realized he was a plumber!
Wanting to make her happy, Larry changed the course of his life. He became one of the biggest relationship gurus on the West coast. Who’d a thought it? All because he followed the Papparazzi principle.

If you’d like to meet authors who might or might not have used the “Papparazzi Principle”, join us on November 1st for the “Meet & Greet Local Christian Authors”. To find out more, go tohttp://www.EventBrite.com and enter “Meet & Greet Local Christian Authors” in the SEARCH box. If you prefer to speak with someone, call Clarice James 603-578-1860 or email her at meetgreetchristianauthors@gmail.com.

And remember, if you’re there Saturday, crowd around my table, shouting, “Isn’t that the world famous author, (insert my name). Hey. It couldn’t hurt.

What’s the quickest way to become a world famous author? Here’s the old fashioned advice- “Write and rewrite”, “Work hard”, etc.

Hah!! I’ve scoured the earth, searched every matchbook cover, touting, “Five Easy Lessons to Become a Writer”, and have come up with a couple sure fire ways.

Here’s Technique #1. The Is There a Doctor in the House Method.
Have you ever been in a crowded restaurant when someone keels over in their tomato soup. A voice hollers, “Is there a doctor in the house?” An MD rushes forward, saves the man (AND THE TOMATO SOUP), and is an instant hero.
This will work for writers, too.
Of course you’ll need a couple helpers (Confederates); friends not worried about potential lawsuits or making fools of themselves.
Here’s an example of how it would work.
Let’s pretend you have a new book- “Beekeeping Techniques of the Ancient Mesopotamians“. A best seller ready to happen!
Everyone is in place at the restaurant. Your tingling with anticipation. Hold on, my friend! Don’t rush forward too soon. You don’t want to jump up before heads plop into soup. That would look silly.
At the designated signal, one of your confederates splashes into his soup. Please note- Tomato is not needed. In a pinch clam chowder will work.

But it must be New England style, not that awful Manhattan stuff.

Your other confederate races to his side. “What seems to be the trouble?”
The collapsed man answers, “O woe is me. My beehives are dying. What will I do?” He falls backwards, fading fast.
Your confederate scans the crowd. “Is there a beekeeper in the house?”
People gaze around. All seems lost, until you leap to your feet. “Wait! I’m an author! I’ve written a book on ancient Mesopotamian beekeeping techniques!”
You rush to the man’s side and talk him through his beekeeping dilemma. Hurrah! You save the day! You’re a hero.

Now if you could repeat this in about five to six hundred restaurants, you’ll become a world famous author.

If you’d like to meet people who may or may not have used this technique, join us on November 1st at the Meet & Greet Local Christian Authors, being held in Nashua, NH. For more info, go to
http://www.EventBrite.com and enter “Meet & Greet Local Christian Authors” in the SEARCH box. If you prefer to speak with a real person, call Clarice James 603-578-1860 or email her at meetgreetchristianauthors@gmail.com.
Who knows . . . Perhaps we’ll have a live demonstration of this method. You bring the soup.

Next time, we’ll talk about The Papparazzi Principle.

What Must I do to be Saved?
Has anyone ever asked you that? A better question might be, WOULD anyone ever ask you that?
In Acts 16:16-30, Paul’s jailer asked him this question.
But why? Did Paul grab him by the shirt and shout, “Ask me! Ask me! Ask me!” Was he wearing a button- “Official Eastern Distributor of Salvation. Ask me about it!” I don’t think so.
The jailer saw something in Paul that prompted his inquiry; something the world needs to see in Christians today.

He saw-
A Joy Shining Above Current Circumstances.   Why was Paul imprisoned? He didn’t steal or kill or start a riot. No. He and Silas were tossed in prison for doing what God told them to do; PREACH THE GOSPEL.

Many Christians would moan and groan if this happened to them. “Oh woe is me! God, why did you allow this?” Not Paul and Silas. After being stripped, beaten, and tossed in with the rats, about midnight, the two began to sing praises to God! Wow!

Can you imagine the look on the jailer’s face. “What? Are these men daft? Don’t they know they may be facing death?”

Remember, your reactions in difficult times shows the world who or what you put your faith in. Do those around you see your joy in the midst of troubles?

Secondly, Paul’s Put Others First    He and Silas weren’t thrown in a regular jail cell. NO! The jailer was warned that if they escaped, the punishment due them would fall on him. So he threw them in the inner jail. He chained them to make sure they wouldn’t escape.

Suddenly, there was an earthquake. The chains fell off. The jailer figured everyone’s escaped. So what did he do? He drew his sword and was about to kill himself. But Paul called out, “Don’t do it! We’re all here!”
The jailer grabbed a light, looked in and was amazed. His response . . . He fell at Paul’s feet and asked, “What must I do to be saved?” Paul had the chance to escape, but was willing to put the jailer’s well being above his own.
Do others see a sacrificial love in you?

I might mention a third point. Paul Preached the Gospel. The jailer must have known this. But it’s my belief that Paul’s witness was as much (if not more) in his actions than in his words.

Are others seeing God in you? Until they see the difference He’s made in your life, why would they seek your advice on Spiritual issues?
Ask yourself, when was the last time someone asked you, What must I do to be saved?

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It’s coming! It’s coming! In less than a month, the Meet and Greet Local Christian Authors event will take place; Saturday, November 1st, from 3:00 to 5:30 pm at Bonhoeffer’s Café & Espresso, 8 Franklin Street, Nashua, NH.

It’s a celebration of eight author’s works. What? You want to know why you should attend? Here are 5 good reasons.
1. It’s a Cheap Date.     Free entry. How much cheaper can you get? Do you want to look good to your wife, girlfriend, or the chihuahua that rides around in your purse? The event’s being held in a beautiful location, AND there are free refreshments. On top of that, downtown Nashua has some nice restaurants. After you’re done with the meet and greet, complete your time out with a good meal.

2. Meet Some Awesome Writers.     These authors have done their work. Maybe you have questions about writing a book. They’re the ones to talk to. OR Maybe you’re a fan of one of the authors and want to come rave. OR  Maybe you didn’t like the book and want to argue. If the latter’s the case, and you’re looking for me, I’m the short guy with the foreign accent.

3. Support a Christian Activity    It’s wonderful for Christians to get together. It’s great to meet members of other churches. What? Other churches exist out there? Come and see. On top of this, some of the books support worthwhile causes. My book deals with abortion, therefore a portion of the sale goes to pro-life organizations.

4. Win a Kindle Paperwhite. What? Did you hear right? A Kindle? Yes. Several prizes will be given out during the afternoon. The grand one being a Kindle Paperwhite! Is this blatant bribery to get you to come out? I don’t know . . . Is it working? Bribery or incentive. It’s a good deal!

5. Christmas Shopping. November 1st is not too early to be thinking about this. Here’s a unique gift idea. A Christian book. And guess what? Many of the author’s books will be at discounted prices. On top of that, you can get them autographed. You will impress the people on your Christmas list.

I’m sure I could come up with 56,721 reasons to attend the Meet and Greet. But who wants to read through all of those? Not me. If you’re interested in attending, here’s where you can get further info.
Go to http://www.EventBrite.com and enter “Meet & Greet Local Christian Authors” in the SEARCH box. Scroll down to see the whole poster. If you prefer to speak with someone, call Clarice James 603-578-1860 or email her at meetgreetchristianauthors@gmail.com.

May I say, I truly appreciate those of my friends who are coming out to help celebrate the release of my book. Your enthusiasm and support over the last few months has been humbling. For those who are considering coming, please register; Simply to make sure we have enough goodies.
I look forward to seeing my friends on November 1st, and to making new friends!

On November 1st, I’ll be taking part in a Meet & Greet Local Christian Authors event, being held at Bonhoeffer’s Café & Espresso, 8 Franklin Street, Nashua, NH. This would not be possible without the tireless work of a good friend of mine- Clarice James. I met Clarice at a Writer’s Critique Group that she was running.

Though working behind the scenes, I thought we could shine a little spotlight on her through this interview. 

Jeremiah: Tell us a little about yourself.

Clarice: I’m a Christian, wife, mother, and grandmother. I’m also a writer, editor, and  encourager. Here’s a snapshot of me, quirks and all-

1. I love clever words and pretty colors.

2. When the soundtrack of a TV program gets scary, I cover my ears and close my eyes,  then make an excuse to leave the room. Obviously, I don’t write suspense.

3. I’d rather be home with my husband than anywhere else.

4. Unlike the psalmist in Psalm 45, “My tongue is [NOT] the pen of a skillful writer.” My  mouth is too busy talking to wait for my brain to pick out the right word. After all, I’ve  got a sentence to compl-inish.

5. I’ve always struggled with losing weight and keeping it off, maybe because I think the  best part of going to a gym is leaving.

6. Unless you can show me where God said it in the Bible, don’t try to convince me of what you think.

7. When I play Scrabble with my husband, we don’t keep score; we’re just happy we can  both splel.

8. Having guests over is my motivation and reward for housecleaning.

9. I love time alone with my grandchildren so we can play make-believe without their  grown-up parents butting in.

10. I wish all the wacky Christians would stay away from those I’m praying for. You’re not  helping.

Jeremiah: What do you write?

Clarice: I write contemporary women’s fiction. My agent, Joyce Hart of Hartline Literary  Agency, is currently shopping two of my manuscripts.

Party of One: “Risking her privacy, widow Annie McGee founds Party of One, a communal  table for single diners, where she meets an electric mix of colorful characters who cause her to  confront her fears, question her beliefs, and doubt her self-assurance.”  Party of One was chosen  one of five finalists in the 2011 Christian Writers Guild Operation First Novel Contest.

Double Header: “Casey Gallagher, a rising Boston sports columnist, fears losing the unblemished  memories of her father when she learns she has a brother no one knew existed. In her search to  identify this walking insult to his memory, she learns that God’s playbook is less about her well- ordered plans and more about His.”    I’m presently having fun writing my third novel.

Jeremiah: Tell us about the Meet and Greet Local Christian Authors event.  

Clarice: First, it’s FREE! You’ll have a chance to meet eight Christian authors from the Northern  MA and Southern NH region. There’ll be refreshments, author signings, discount pricing, and  door prizes—including a Kindle Paperwhite! It’s Saturday, November 1, 2014, 3:00 to 5:30 pm  at Bonhoeffer’s Café & Espresso, 8 Franklin Street, Nashua, NH. All adults and teens are  welcome!

Jeremiah: How did you come up with the Meet and Greet idea?

Clarice: Years back, I worked in both marketing and event planning and enjoyed it. Throw in my  love of writing and writers, and I have a fun thing to do while I wait to be published. (Actually, I  haven’t told the authors, but they’re my guinea pigs.)

Jeremiah: What do you hope to accomplish through this event?

Clarice: The theme is celebration. I hope the eight featured authors and all those who attend will,  together, take this time to celebrate all their God-given gifts and talents.

Jeremiah: How can people find out more about the Meet and Greet?

Clarice: Go to http://www.EventBrite.com and enter “Meet & Greet Local Christian Authors” in  the SEARCH box. Scroll down to see the whole poster. If they prefer to speak with someone,  they can call me Clarice James 603-578-1860 or email me at  meetgreetchristianauthors@gmail.com.

Jeremiah: What’s in the future for the Meet & Greet Local Christian Authors events?

Clarice: If this first Meet & Greet Local Christian Authors event goes well, we plan to hold  another one in the spring, 2015. All published authors interested in being featured can contact  Clarice James 603-578-1860 or Cindy Saab 978-821-65447 or email  meetgreetchristianauthors@gmail.com for more information.

If you’d like to meet Clarice, or any of the other people involved in this wonderful event, come on by on November 1st. IT’S FREE! A CHANCE TO WIN A KINDLE PAPERWHITE, and to support Christian authors. Well worth your time.

October is Pastor Appreciation Month? What’s your response to that? Do you say, “Oh really?” “I didn’t know that.” Sad news is, I’ve shared this with some people who give a scoffing laugh as if Pastors don’t need appreciation. “What? We pay them a salary for working one day a week. Why do they need us to appreciate them?”
I’d like to say, What a bunch of Satanic Cow Manure! Your pastor does need your appreciation.
Let me give you a few reasons.
1. Most Pastors are extra hard on themselves.       78.23 % of churches in America are in decline? OK. I made that up. BUT THERE ARE ALOT OF FAILING CHURCHES. For every one of them there’s a pastor who blames himself, or struggles to keep it going. Guess what? It’s not always the pastor’s fault.

Isn’t it interesting that we blame our leaders for our failures. Plain truth is, some churches have ceased doing God’s work. The Spirit has departed.
2. Being a Pastor is a Lonely Job       You may not think it, but it’s true. Surrounded by people, yet alone. He understands he is different from the members of his congregation. Not better. Not holier. But different. I know young pastors who pishaw at this. “We’re going to live with our people; be just like them.” Trust me. They’ll learn. Pastor’s children are held to a higher standard. His wife also. I remember my second church. Upon arriving I was informed that my wife would play the piano and lead the choir. HA!

You can miss the board meeting if you’ve decided to go bowling, or if the finale to America’s Got Talent is on TV. Do you allow that same luxury to your pastor?
3. Pastor’s Lives are a Roller Coaster of Emotion     They’re there when you have your celebrations. But they see the tragic side of life, too. They’re in hospitals, holding the hands of the ones in sick beds. They visit those who are terminally ill. They’re on call for whoever needs them.

Hey, I’m not crying in my guacamole. I probably stated my case pretty poorly. I just wanted to share some facts. October is Pastor Appreciation Month. Do something nice for yours.
If you say, he’s not worth appreciating, then get a new one or go to a different church. Plain and simple.
To all my pastor friends- God bless you! Whether your church realizes it or not, you’re worth appreciating! You’re on the front lines in a Spiritual War. May He grant you the strength and courage to keep going. Don’t grow weary in doing well!

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